


Allies and Idiots

by gloomyOptimist, mtjester



Series: Classstuck [7]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Classstuck, Multi, relationships and characters will be added as they pop up!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2014-04-30
Packaged: 2017-12-15 12:35:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gloomyOptimist/pseuds/gloomyOptimist, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtjester/pseuds/mtjester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the world of Skaia, three kingdoms exist in a state of perpetual strife. </p><p>Fortunately for everyone, they are all completely incompetent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. cod damn it serket

**Author's Note:**

> The authors will be tag-teaming this rude narrative

“OW! What the glub, Serket!”

“Well, sorry that you still don’t know how to stick a landing!”

“Don’t throw me over walls, and there won’t be no fuckin problem!”

“It’s always my fault, isn’t it? Ever thought that maybe YOU JUST SUCK?”

“You anglin to start somefin?”

“Shut up! I think I heard someone.”

Meenah and Vriska crouched behind a row of dense shrubs, both pausing to listen for footsteps. Though even in the dead of night the courtyard of the Alternian castle was heavily guarded, its patrol was lazy and incompetent. The area had narrow stone paths winding through it, and in the distance there was the faint tapping of someone strolling peacefully. The perimeter was surrounded by high walls, over which the thieves had scaled to gain entry. The only door in the wall was padlocked from inside.

“...Let’s be reel, we do kinda suck.”

“Speak for yourself! If you weren’t here, I’d already have the treasure and be half-way to the Wasteland.”

Meenah snorted in response and, without waiting for her partner, slinked along the length of the bushes in order to get a clear view of the castle walls. She peered around the edge, looking for any obstacles between their current location and the entrance into the castle. Seeing none, she advanced, moving swiftly between trees and fountains, keeping in the grass so that her footsteps were muffled. Vriska followed suit, and together they wordlessly slipped through the door.

The hallways were deserted. The castle, built for war and efficiency, had no windows and was lit by a few widely-spaced torches. Murky shadows danced on the walls, allowing the thieves to move nearly uninhibited through the corridors.

“Got the map?” Meenah whispered.

Vriska answered by flipping open a small, rather crude drawing of the castle floor plan. “We need to take these stairs down to the dungeon area, and we’ll hang a right into the second chamber.”

“Aight.”

The stairs spiraled downward, narrow and dark. The underground corridor was much dimmer than even those above, and the dull sounds of water drops were joined only by the eerie moans of prisoners echoing distantly through hall. The thieves proceeded quickly and silently, reaching their destination in a matter of minutes.

The door creaked as it opened, and the room inside was much better illuminated than the hall from which they entered. Both trolls inhaled sharply when their eyes fell on the contents within.

“YEAH BOUY!!”

Before Vriska could say anything, Meenah was diving into a large pile of gold and jewelry. Without further ado, she began captchaloguing as much treasure as her sylladex would accommodate, cackling heartily. Vriska sighed, choosing instead to stay at the door and scan the room.  She was looking for something much more important.

Or she was, until Meenah lobbed a silver bowl at the side of her head.

“OW!!!!!!!! What the fuck, Peixes!?”

“Water you carpin around for? I can’t carry all this loot myself!”

“Unlike you, I don’t waste my time with chump change! I’ve got real treasure to hunt for, not this gaudy wiggler crap.”

“Fine. More for me.”

Scowling at her partner, Vriska slunk around the hordes of gold toward the back of the room. She knew what she was looking for, and she had a guess as to where it would be. Before long, she came to a small cranny, devoid of stray coins or errant gemstones. There was only a display, about waist height, within which rested a single ring.

Vriska smirked as she carefully lifted the lid. From her pocket she pulled out a handkerchief, which she used to gently grasp and lift her treasure. Just as carefully, she wrapped it and captchalogued the bundle.

“Alright! I’m done!” she announced as she strided back towards the door. “Hurry up and stop playing around in that junk.”

“What? Seriously? Did you even grab anyfin?”

“Like I said, I don’t bother with amateur shit! I got what I came for.”

Meenah grumbled as she topped off her already impressive steal, her sylladex barely allowing the amount it held. Satisfied, she walked toward her partner, who slipped out the door. The door creaked shut, and quietly as they came, they moved back through the hallway and up the stairs.

Back on ground level, they glided through the hallway, winding around suits of armor and side tables, Vriska leading the way. Suddenly, she halted, causing Meenah to bump into her and curse quietly under her breath.

“Shut up!” Vriska hissed. She pushed herself against the wall next to an armor display, peering around it. Ahead, a door was slightly ajar, firelight streaming out of it into the dim corridor. The sounds of casual conversation could be heard from within.

“I don’t know if I’m cut out to be a page...I think that there was probably some mistake, maybe...”

“You can’t be so hard on yourself! Besides, you say that every time we talk.”

“I know, but that’s because it is probably a thing that is true. Sir Karkat pretty much hates me.”

“Karkat hates everyone.”

“Yes, that is also true, but he especially hates me.”

“Oh. I didn’t think those sorts of feelings were acceptable for a knight to have about his page--”

“Oh, uh, no, not romantic hate, just platonic, kind of disgusted hate...”

“Oh my cod, that guy sounds like a tool,” Meenah whispered from behind Vriska. “Hey, Serket, how much do you think I could hook if I prawned that armor?”

“Are you even capable of shutting up for more than five minutes?” Vriska snapped. “We’ve got to get by without them noticing.”

“Just mind-fuck ‘em.”

“No! It’s hard enough to avoid getting tracked down as it is. It’d be pretty fucking easy to find a thief who’s also psychic! Even these idiots could tell if someone was poking around their brain.”

“Lame.”

“Shut it! It sounds like they’re near the door, so we’re going to have to--”

CLANG.

Both the thieves froze as the gauntlet Meenah was examining fell from the armor onto the stone floor. The metallic sound rung on for a few seconds, and inside the room, the chatting ceased. For a moment, nothing moved.

The female voice from inside laughed nervously. “That was probably just another stray cat that got into the castle,” she said. The sound grew louder as she approached the hall.

Vriska drew the Fluorite Octet from her strife specibus.

“I think Equius lets the cats in, but I can’t figure out why--” As Aradia stepped through the doorframe and into the hall, Vriska threw her dice. Aradia’s eyes widened when she noticed the crouching thieves, but before she could make a sound, the dice landed.

There was an explosion that rocked the foundation of the castle and a single, clipped scream. The thieves bolted as soon as the dice chose its method of execution, and Vriska scooped up the octet as she passed by the bloody result of the roll. Around them, a few of the stones continued to cave into the hallway, kicking up dust. Shouts broke out as people awoke and sprung to action, and the thieves could hear the other occupant of the room chasing after them.

They reached the courtyard at a full sprint with the sound of heavy footfalls right behind them. Vriska looked ahead and was hit with a sudden surge of adrenaline and fear.

“Shit, how are we going to scale the wall?!”

Meenah, as if in response, jumped to grab the branch of a tree, using her momentum to swing forward. She released, propelling herself toward to the top of the wall and barely managing to grasp the edge. As Vriska watched, she scuttled upward to sit on the precipice.

Cursing under her breath, Vriska swerved to avoid impact with the wall and sprinted along its perimeter. She heard Meenah shout something before dropping down the other side, and in her peripheral vision she saw a number of guards closing in on her position.

Then she noticed the single padlocked door to the outside.

Thinking quickly, she changed her trajectory and reached back to pull a concealed knife out of her belt. She could hear her pursuer gaining ground behind her, and she calculated he would catch her about the time she made it to the exit. Smirking, she made the last few strides, then abruptly turned completely around, leaning slightly to the right.

As she had planned, the boy behind her crashed into her left shoulder. Grabbing him firmly with her mechanical arm, she jerked him around, pinning his back against her chest and holding her knife up to his throat. He was smaller and lighter than she expected, making the series of movements more forceful than she planned and almost causing her to impale herself on his formidable horns. The rest of her assailants came to a halt a few yards away as she pressed the blade into his skin, drawing a small line of blood.

The group eyed her warily, and a murmur passed among them.

“Don’t move or he dies!” Vriska said. Recalling that he had mentioned his role as a page, she began feeling around his chest and waist for the keys she knew he must possess.

The entourage in front of her continued to shuffle uncertainly, looking between them to decide whether or not to approach. Her fingers finally found a key ring, and she jerked it off of his belt. The troll she had taken hostage was breathing with sharp inhales, body rigid with anxiety and indecisiveness.

More people were approaching the crowd, and Vriska noticed with alarm that some of them were knights. She began backing toward the door, holding the boy even tighter and forcing him to step backward with her. The key ring was held in the hand that kept him from running, jangling loudly as they moved.

“Which key is it?” she whispered in his ear.

“Wh...what?”

“Which fucking key!”

“I don’t--”

“Answer or I swear I will slit your throat right now. I killed your friend. I’ll kill you.”

He swallowed hard but didn’t answer. Vriska narrowed her eyes and reached out with her mind. As luck would have it, his mind was easily breached and manipulated.

She knew exactly which key it was.

Holding him in place with her mind and the knife at his throat, she spun enough to glance at the keys and shake out the correct one. Reaching behind her, she quickly jammed it at the door until it finally found its slot.

As she did, a voice rose above the murmurings. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STUPID SACKS OF FERMENTING PISS GAPING AT?” Its owner marched towards the group, and they parted quickly, allowing him passage.

“Tavros, you useless fucking moron--”

But before he could come closer, Vriska wrenched open the door and pushed through, hostage in tow. They had barely made it through when Meenah, waiting in the shadows, slammed the door shut and jammed a long, thick stick against it in such a way that it couldn’t swing open. On the opposite side of the door, the shouting rose as knights tried to push it, only jamming the stick further in place.

“Who’s this dork?”

“Peixes, shut the fuck up and move!!!!!!!!”

Vriska pushed into Tavros’s mind, forcing him to sprint forward. Without another word, the thieves ran after him, slipping into the darkness of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by gloomy-optimist


	2. This means war

    Never had the much-abused war room seen such an explosion of activity so late at night.  Members from all three kingdoms, woken up by the commotion in the courtyard, gathered in the lofty, gaudily decorated chamber, and most of them still didn’t know what had happened to cause the stir.  Of the members present, only the Alternians seemed to fully understand the situation, and everyone else was forced to listen to Eridan and Karkat yell at each other in order to piece together details of the emergency.

“She was _right there_ , Kar!” Eridan shouted.  “She was _right fuckin’ there_ ’n you could’ve just ran her through!  We gave you that sword for a reason!”

“She had a fucking hostage!” Karkat shouted back.  “We all know what a useless waste of my precious time Tavros is as a page, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let some psychobitch thief gut him in front of my fucking face!”

Dirk glanced between the two of them, his chin resting on his fist.  He turned to look at Kurloz and wasn’t surprised to find the Beforus prince ignoring the drama completely, choosing instead to indulge Mituna’s muttered commentary.  He watched them chuckle quietly for a moment before Kurloz finally noticed him looking.  He nodded towards the shoutfest, and Kurloz signed something in response, shrugged, and smiled.

“What's this about?” John asked, leaning towards him.  Dirk sighed and turned back to the proceedings.

“I can’t be sure, but there seems to have been someone in the castle who shouldn't have been,” he answered.

“Well, yeah, I got that part, but...why do we have to be awake?”

“Because we decided it was a good idea to trek all the way to a kingdom we have always known to be full of idiots so that we could engage in pointless peace talks for the third time this year.”

“Wasn’t it your idea to come?”

“Yes.  Yes it was.”

“I think...Rose’ll probably know what’s happening.  Where is she?”

“Take a guess.”

John looked around the room, and Dirk sighed, grabbing John's chin and jerking it in the direction of the Alternian court.  Rose was standing next to Kanaya.  He let go of John’s chin and allowed him to wave at Rose, ignoring the eyes across the room that turned in their direction.

It took three minutes after Rose had finally noticed John for her to disengage with Kanaya and slink over to their end of the negotiation table.  “Yes?” she asked, sitting down next to Dirk.

“You were on the wrong side of the table,” Dirk answered.  “Affiliate with your own species once in a while.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were such a bigot,” Rose responded.

“Damn straight.”

“What did you hear?” John asked.

“An important treasure was stolen,” she said.  “Besides that, the thieves took a hostage and killed a maid.”

“Oh no, that’s awful!” John said with a gasp. 

“Thieves, man,” Dirk murmured.  “We should just raze the Wasteland to the ground.  Drop a nuke on that shit or something.”

“I may be wrong, but something about the nature of a wasteland suggests that razing it to the ground would be unnecessary,” Rose said.  “We probably wouldn’t need a nuke to--”

“Don’t say--”

“-- _lay waste_ to it.”

“Goddamn it.”

“Where is Dave and his page, by the way?”

“That is an excellent question,” Dirk said, glancing around the room.

“I don’t think they’re here,” John said.  “Jane isn’t here either.”

“Maids aren’t allowed in the war room, John.”

“Oh yeah.”

“One of you, go fetch the problem duo,” Dirk said.  “The other...stay here and cover me.”

“I’ll go!” John said immediately, bolting out of the room.  Rose sighed.

“And how should I expect to cover you?”

“I was joking.  I don’t need covered,” Dirk said, hauling himself to his feet.  Kurloz and Mituna both looked at him, falling silent, and slowly, the muttering members of their court followed suit.  Dirk crossed his arms, waiting for the hush to reach the Alternian court.  Soon, only Karkat and Eridan were still talking, and Dirk slammed a hand down on the table.  “Order in the war room!” he roared.  The Alternian prince and his knight jumped violently and turned to look at him.

“Wha--no human has the right to demand order in _my_ war room!” Eridan said.

“You woke us up to address an emergency,” Dirk responded.  “Let’s address this bitch.”

“What do you think we’ve been doing?” Karkat said.

“I honestly have no idea.  I was hoping you’d tell me.”

“ _Obviously_ we’re draftin’ a war plan to take down the thieves and retrieve the stolen treasure,” Eridan said.

“Okay, but how about we back up.  What was stolen, who was taken, who was killed, and why?”

“What was stolen was the ring,” Eridan said.  “It’s a legendary treasure I found myself when I was a young conqueror.  Took it straight from the hands of a sleeping orange guy in the Wastelands.”

“So the thieves stole a treasure that you stole from someone else."

“Look, it’s a very powerful and valuable piece of jewelry that can’t be floatin’ around in the grubby hands of bandits!”

Dirk shot a glance at Rose, and she shrugged.  “Alright, you’re declaring war against the City of Thieves because of a nice gold ring.  I guess that shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.  How about we talk about the hostage and the maid for a moment.”

“Oh my cod, who fuckin’ _cares_ about them?” Eridan said.  “Why’s everyone get so hooked up on dispensable labor--”

“That was _my page,_ you sociopathic failure of a monarch!” Karkat interjected angrily.

“You don’t even like him!  If you ask me, they were doin’ you a favor by--”

“I agree with the knight,” Equius interrupted.  Both Eridan and Karkat started.

“Have you been here this whole time?” Eridan asked.

“Yes.”

“Fuckin’ hell, why don’t you support me like a proper heir’s supposed’a do instead’a standin’ in the shadows like a creep?  My entire court is full of imbeciles.”

“Maybe if our leader wasn’t such an imbecile, the court would show some signs of basic competency,” Karkat said.  “Have you ever thought that our efficiency as a unit is eclipsed by the sheer unbreachable breadth of your colossal megalomania, and that if you quit being such a genocidal lunatic about every goddamn thing, the light of common sense would be able to fill the court with its sweet, luxuriant rays?  You are the pestilence plaguing this kingdom.  It’s you.”

“I don’t need this from you, Kar, I--”

“We will discuss the issue of the page and the maid,” Equius said.

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Dirk agreed.

“I do not typically see eye to eye with the prince on martial matters,” Equius said, “but blood has be shed in our fortress, and it is inexcusable.  We must rescue the page and avenge Aradia’s death.”

He maintained eye contact with Dirk, but the intensity of their gazes was obscured by their respective sunglasses.  “I can’t tell if that was a statement of fact or a request for our assistance,” Dirk said after a second’s pause.

“It was both.”

“Ha!” Eridan said, looking pointedly at Karkat.  “Even the sweaty giant agrees with me this time!”

“Everyone fucking agrees with you, idiot!” Karkat said.

“We do?” Sollux called from the ranks of the Alternian court, which had been mostly content, as always, to allow Karkat to argue loudly on their behalf.

“We can’t just let thieves elbow their way into the castle unpunished!” Karkat said.

“Exactly!” Eridan exclaimed with triumph.

“Why were you even arguing?” Dirk asked.

“It’s what they do,” Terezi said, and the Alternian court nodded and murmured in affirmation.

“This place is bizarre,” Dirk muttered to Rose, and she smirked.  “What do you think?”

“It would be fortuitous for us to partake in this campaign,” she said.

“Well, that settles it.  We’re in.”

“Seers!” Eridan barked.  “What’s the forecast?”

“Why are you even asking?” Terezi asked.  “You’re going to do it anyway.”

“I believe that, before we can make a decision on what manner of action we should take to address the transgressions of the thieves, we should take into account the standards of living of the Wasteland population and consider the hardships a citizen of the City of Thieves faces on a--”

“Chill- _lax_ , Kan, nobody wants to hear your boring lectures!” Latula interrupted.  “Who cares what what a bunch of seers say?  I'm in it for the adventure factor!”

“Fuck yeah!” Mituna whooped.  He turned to Kurloz with huge grin on his face, and Kurloz flashed him a thumbs up.

“Excellent!” Eridan said with a cackle.  “We ride at dawn!”

“No fucking way, you are staying right here,” Karkat said, and everyone shouted their agreement.  “It’s just two fucking thieves, I think a couple of knights can handle this without making it into a federal fucking issue.”

“But...Kar!”

“No.”

“You--human prince!” Eridan said, turning to Dirk and grabbing hold of his shirt.

“We’ve known each other for years.  You know my name.”

“This is our chance!” Eridan insisted, ignoring his comment.  “We can destroy that pain-in-the-ass city of renegades.  We can wipe it off the map entirely!  What do you say?”

Dirk glanced over his shoulder at Rose, and she shook her head.  “Nope.  Sorry, champ.”

“But _why_?” Eridan asked, pouting.

“Let go of me.”

“...Fine,” he said, letting go and taking a step back.  “I see how it is.  You’re all a bunch’a yellow-bellied cowards.”

“Hey, man, it’s just a standard search-and-destroy,” Karkat said, putting a hand on his shoulder.  “Nobody wants to be a part of your mass homicidal fantasies.”

“It’s not a fantasy,” he said.  “It’s nipping the problem at the bud is what it is!”

“Leave the issue to the knights,” Equius said.

“What’s this about me?” Dave asked, strutting into the room with John, followed closely by Jake.  “Who the fuck started the party without waking me up?”

“You were sleeping?” Dirk asked.

“It’s the middle of the night, what else do people normally do?”

“It’s disturbing that our warrior and warrior-in-training are the only two members of our court who don’t wake up when the castle is under attack,” Rose said.

“Whoa, what?  Who attacked us?”

“I’ll tell you later,” Dirk said with a sigh.  “You have a quest to prepare for.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by mtjester!


	3. Pip-Pip-Jockey

The knights began their adventure at the crack of noon. Between waking Dave and his page a second time, listening to advice and lectures from the seers, and receiving no less than five various mission plans between the three monarchs, the initial intention of leaving by dawn became something of a joke. By far the worst part of the whole ordeal was receiving rations and necessary supplies from the remaining maids; Jane, who could always be counted on for cheerful or optimistic advice, could barely wrap lunches between her sobs and shaking hands, and Porrim didn’t show any emotion at all, robotically going through the motions necessary of her. Needless to say, the knights were all very ready to get the show on the road.

And what a show they were.

In front, Latula set a brisk pace. Though initially somber, she quickly perked up, and within a half-mile she bounced on her horse, electric with energy and anticipation. On her left, her page urged his smaller horse to keep up, smiling widely but sheepishly at his knight’s somewhat overwhelming energy. After years of adjusting his outlook on life with the encouragement of his moirail, Meulin, Horuss was able to appreciate Latula's dynamic disposition and even sometimes found it contagious, even though matching it was somewhat unnatural for his personality. On her right side, another page marched in step with her, and Jake was more than able to match her exuberance. Excited by the prospect of adventure and enraged at the nerve of “those hoodlums,” he and Latula grew more and more boisterous with each passing moment.

A few steps behind, Dave followed, watching the conversations with a detached bemusement and occasionally interjecting a much-needed smartass comment. Karkat brought up the rear, doing nothing but seething with quiet rage. As the group passed, people looked at the entourage and their courtly garb with curiosity; Latula and the pages made them want to inquire about the purpose of the journey, but a look from Karkat made them want to shut the fuck up and mind their own goddamn business.

About two hours into the journey, Latula and Jake were discussing their plan of attack for the third time. Dave had taken to rapping beneath his breath as he collected small pebbles and tossed them over his shoulders at odd intervals so that they bounced off of Karkat and his horse. The landscape had begun to get hilly, and trees had begun to line the path.

“So the plan is to fly in mad crazy and take the entire city by surprise! Those poserz won’t know what hit ‘em when we’re all up in their face!”

“Yes, absolutely! And then we’ll wallop them into next week! Those scoundrels won’t dare set foot in lawful territory ever again!”

“Yeah man! Hit me up top!”

They high fived. Behind them, Dave heard Karkat mutter, “That is literally the _seventeenth high-five..._ ”

Dave threw a pebble over his shoulder.

“ _OW!_ You hit me in the fucking eye, you rancid sack of vomit--”

Instead of answering Karkat, Dave called ahead, “Hey, not to say your plan sucks or anything, but your plan really fucking sucks.”

Jake looked back, slightly surprised. “How do you figure, Sir Strider? At a time such as this, action is the most important thing!”

Latula, however, laughed. “Yeah, he’s totez right about that, Pip-pip-jockey. Our plan does suck something hard.”

“‘Pip-pip-jockey’? That nickname may be even more creative than your last! What was it...G-string?”

They shared a laugh. Karkat resisted the urge to stab himself.

“But for seriouz, we gotta come up with something crafty. I’m all for riding in like a literal knight in shining armor, but that shit ain’t gonna fly on the real stage!”

Jake considered this for a few seconds before sighing in defeat. “I suppose you’re right. It’s just that thinking about what they’ve done makes my blood boil!”

“I know, J-man. Sometimes you gotta tone it back some. Use your mind, get it?”

“Yes, that’s true. It’s good there’s someone as wise and experienced as yourself to keep my boorish instincts in check!”

At that, Karkat interrupted, “Look, not to impede on the somewhat nauseating pale interaction that’s been happening up there, but how long do I have to deal with this shit before we finally arrive?”

“Karkat,” Dave remarked, tossing a rock that bounced daintily off his shoulder, “drop the attitude or I’ll turn this convoy around, so-help-me-God.”

“Shut the fuck up, Strider, I’m in no mood to deal with your bullshit, and if you throw another rock I will FUCKING END YOU,” Karkat snapped in return. “How long until we get there?”

Stoney silence.

“...PLEASE tell me someone has been paying attention to where we’ve been going?”

Latula looked at Jake. Noticing this, he remarked, “Oh! Yes, I have!” and pulled a map out of the satchel hanging on the side of his horse. He peered at it for a few minutes, and then said, “...Looks like we have to go a forward for a few more hours, then we turn westward.”

“See?” Latula peered at Karkat. “We’ve got this shit under control, Krabass. Chillax.”

Karkat did not chillax, but he also did not retort. The crew continued forth unhindered, and Latula and Jake continued their conversation, revising their plan in order to somewhat take into consideration actual reality.

Karkat urged his horse forward a bit, pacing himself with Dave. “What are the odds that we’re actually not getting completely ass-backward lost in the countryside?”

“Low,” Dave responded without missing a beat. “But let the kid figure that out for himself. I don’t know about you, but I don’t give a rat's ass about the political agenda behind this mission. A couple of thieves don’t mean anything to my kingdom, and I’m pretty sure that in the grand scheme of things, they don’t mean jack to yours either.”

Karkat glanced sideways at Dave, then continued to glower at the trio up front. “That doesn't mean I want to bounce around like a fucking imbecile for days on end to figure this out. I don’t care about politics, but I don’t want to waste my own time, so the quicker we get in and out, the better. And I'd like to get my page back alive, if that's at all fucking feasible at the pace we're going.”

Shrugging, Dave responded, “He's more valuable alive than dead, but we might have to dig him out of the slave rings. I don’t really care about your wasted time either. Just enjoy the nature or whatever gets you to stop frothing at the mouth for more than five minutes.”

Karkat snorted.

Dave tossed a rock underhand at Karkat’s face.

The party had to stop as Karkat proceeded to knock Dave off his horse and kick him every time he tried to remount. Dave, in response, grabbed Karkat’s foot, also pulling him to the ground, and Karkat shouted insults at him for a full ten minutes as they wrestled each other away from their horses.

As soon as that was resolved, they proceeded to bounce around like imbeciles for the rest of the day, until the group was deep within a forest and the sun was threatening to descend. Bright, golden light filtered through the branches overhead, casting long, dark shadows into the deep recesses of the woods. It had been almost an hour since they’d come across another individual on the path, and though nothing was said, everyone began to feel a tinge of doubt.

“Perhaps it would behoove us to find a more stable location to rest for the night?” Horuss said after a period of silence.

“Yeah, we should do that,” Karkat responded. “Where’s the nearest town?”

Everyone looked expectantly at Jake. He stared back for a second before realizing why, then he fished the map out of his bag once again. He surveyed it for a bit before commenting, “Well...according to the map, we should be inside of a town right now, just a few miles south of the Wastelands.”

Karkat snarled in annoyance and pushed his horse forward to pull up next to Jake. He reached over and grabbed the map out of the startled boy’s hand, looking it over before turning it completely around. He then quietly folded it back up.

“Are you telling me,” he said, turning to face Jake, “that you have been looking at the map...completely _UPSIDE DOWN_?!”

“Uhhh...I suppose so...?”

The roar emanating from Karkat’s mouth echoed throughout the land, unsettling the locals and stirring birds into flight.

“ _Woah_ Karkapocalypse! No need to lose your cool--”

“ _I have plenty of fucking reasons to lose my cool!_ ”

“Put the brakes on that attitude! Ain’t nothing we can’t fix!”

“I swear to the last godforsaken shreds of my sanity that if we don’t come across society soon--”

“Speak of the devil,” Dave interjected, “there’s some lights up ahead. If you guys can stand to act like a group of fucking adults for any amount of time, I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

“Like you’re one to talk, asshole,” Karkat shot back. “Since when were you the team mascot of maturity and grace?”

“Since I got sick of this shit like five hours ago,” Dave returned. “So shut the fuck up and let’s get moving.”

The caravan relapsed into near silence, the only sounds coming from nature and the constant grind of Karkat’s teeth. A half-hour passed before they made it to the lights in question; it wasn’t so much a town as it was just an inn with a few small residences nearby. It was now quite dark out, and the gas lamps created an eerie atmosphere.

They approached the inn and tethered their horses in the stables outside. It had begun to get cool out, and the little light afforded to them made the task more arduous than it should have been. By the time they made it inside, the entire party was in a sour mood. At least it was somewhat warmer due to a fire roaring in the hearth, clearly benefiting from the ample wood of the forest. The interior was comprised of a small pub with a few sleepy patrons, most clothed in cloaks with hoods that obscured their faces. A bard was sitting on a bench along the wall, strumming a quiet tune that tinkled softly in the background, asking to be ignored. Karkat strode forward, addressing the only person behind the counter.

“How many rooms do you have? We need at least two--one for me, and one for the rest of these assholes--”

Dave pushed Karkat out of the way, and in the process Karkat fell over a nearby bar stool with a muffled stream of colorful language.  “Don’t mind the idiot brigade. We normally try to keep him in a gag--”

Karkat kicked Dave’s legs out from underneath him, and there was a loud “ _fuck!_ ” as Dave also came crashing down. Fortunately for him, Karkat broke his fall. Unfortunately for Karkat, Dave’s elbow landed directly on his stomach.

Latula kicked both of them under the bar before addressing the surprised bartender. “I’m so sorry, keep! We are actually a lot cooler than this.”

The bemused man quirked an eyebrow. “So what can I do for y’all? You just in need of a couple of rooms?”

At this point, everyone in the room was staring at the group. Aside from their boisterous introduction, it was rare to see a fully-armed knight, let alone one from each kingdom traveling together. As Latula and the bartender arranged two bedrooms for the group, however, most of the other patrons slowly lost interest, and the music resumed. Only those sitting nearby paid them any attention.

Dave and Karkat had finally managed to disentangle themselves from each other, their capes, and the bar stools when Latula was putting down the payment. Jake was attempting to help Dave up, but was having some difficulty due to sporadic fits of giggles; Horuss, however, was standing as far away as he could on the other side of Latula without separating himself from the group.

As the bartender counted out the money, he said, “It’ll be a few minutes ‘fore you can get to your rooms. I’ll need’ta have someone prepare them real quick. Care for a drink in the meantime?”

“Hellz ya! While we’re at it, we got some questions that are in mad need of being answered.”

With a small smirk, the bartender put the money away and responded, “What would you like?”

Karkat injected, “The strongest drink you have,” as he climbed onto the stool next to Latula. Dave plopped himself down as well, and Jake jumped down enthusiastically next to his knight. Horuss hesitated.

Latula tapped the seat next to her as Jake began asking questions about the drink menu. “What’s the hold-up, Jockstrap?”

Horuss frowned. “I’m not of age to be sitting at such an establishment.”

“Yo, I thought we agreed that you’d quit being such a wicked buzzkill. It’s throwin’ the whole vibe.”

“Yes, I know that I’ve made a STRONG commitment to no longer bucking your ‘rad wayz’ for the sake of my personal growth, but...to break the law! Such inappropriate behoovior...”

Latula frowned and glanced over at the others. By this point, Jake had ordered a peach daiquiri and was disappointed when the bartender brought him a glass of water. He nursed it, sulking, but out of the corner of his eyes he watched Dave sip a foaming beer and attempted to imitate the knight’s easy posture while still appearing casual. Karkat knocked back a shot of whiskey. Though still glowering, he began to relax as he listened in on the conversation between Dave and the bartender.

Latuna leaned over and said with a hush, “Look, you know it makes me mad uncomfortable when you get all fetishistic out in public. Just drop the sketch and chill, Newb.” She glanced around swiftly again. “That’s a command.”

Horuss hesitated for a second longer before dutifully climbing into the bar seat. Latula ordered him a glass of milk. As the bartender went to fill the request, Dave leaned over to peer past Karkat at the Beforans.

“Did you catch all that?” he asked.

“All what?”

“We’re apparently in the Neverland Forest. It’ll be at least another day and a half until we reach the Wasteland.”

“Say _wha_? Monarchz are gonna be maxed out pissed at that one.”

When the bartender returned with Horuss’s milk, they were murmuring plans on how to avoid getting in trouble with the court over their blunder. They allowed themselves to be distracted by the bartender when he asked the group if they needed anything else; after they declined, the man allowed his eyes to pass between the knights before asking, “So...why did y’all come out to these parts?”

The knights exchanged glances, but Jake chirped, “We’re on a quest to capture a pair of devilish fiends!” Karkat groaned and dropped his face into his hand.

“Just a hint, kid,” Dave said, sighing, “you probably shouldn’t throw around the mission objectives to anyone who decides to ask.”

Jake looked at the knights with naivety. “But we’re trying to catch thieves. Wouldn’t average citizens appreciate the effort to remove such ruffians from polite society?”

“Well, some people are fucking idiots, but that’s not the point--”

“It doesn’t much matter,” the bartender interjected, “because thieves don’t reside in this part of the land. We got rogues, which’re much better in my personal opinion.”

Karkat’s eyes flicked up. “I wouldn’t align yourself with known enemies of the kingdom if I were you.”

The bartender stiffened noticeably. “I said they was better,” he replied curtly, “and nothin’ more. The rogues at least try to help a good man out when they can, which is more than a thief has ever been able to say.”

The group grew quiet. Nearby, one of the hooded patrons sat with piqued interest, unnoticed but attentive.

“Hey dude, it ain’t no thang!”  Latula commented brightly, laughing to break up the tension. “We sure as hell ain’t gonna ollie out of our way to get in your biz. Your opinion is your own.”

The bartender remained serious, but softened a bit. “I didn’t mean to put my nose where it don’t belong. It’s just strange to see knights of the three kingdoms traveling in these parts. Ain’t no average thief that would require measures such as that.”

“No,” Dave said, sighing. “It still doesn’t require ‘measures such as that’ if you ask me, but bureaucracy is only as smart as the dumbest fuck in power.”

“Dave--” Latula elbowed him lightly.

“I’m serious though. I think this entire mission is a fucking joke. I don’t give a shit if all our dirty laundry gets aired--I hope a hurricane blows through and whips our soiled panties straight into the aghast faces of every person in the Wasteland. You know how you don’t catch a thief? You send a couple of obvious, bedazzled knights to walk around like a neon sign reading, ‘Here we are, dickbags.’”

“Well...okay, yeah, that’s true, but--”

“Maybe if you weren’t such a self-centered douche, you’d notice that there are plenty of fucking reasons to be here,” Karkat snapped.

“Yeah? Like what? Because your prince can’t fit all his favorite rings on his fingers at the same time?”

“Chil- _lax_ , guys! You’re killing the mood--”

“Ding-ding-ding! Dave wins another round of _I Can’t Believe I’m This Fucking Stupid!_ Your prize is the knowledge that you have to live with your own rotting brain for the rest of your worthless life!”

“I suddenly understand everything. I have been wrong this whole time. Thank you, Karkat.”

“For fuck’s sake, you complete and utter heap of hoofbeast feces! Someone _died_ , and a lot of us actually fucking care about that! Not to mention they kidnapped my page!”

“Dude, you didn’t even _like_ the guy!”

“That’s not even the point! The point is, he’s _my_ page, and I’ll eat my own horse--” (Horuss released an appalled gasp) “--before I let some common thieves insult me like that. It’s fucking _embarrassing_ how useless that twit is, and my pride will be soundly flogged if I just let him get taken like a fairy princess after I’ve spent the last three years training him.”

Dave and Karkat were scowling at each other, shoulders square. The tension between the two had effectively silenced the rest, and it wasn’t until Dave broke eye contact for a swig of beer that a collective breath was released.

The pint clinked as Dave set it down. “...I am sorry about the dead maid. I totally get everyone being upset about that. But just because we’re upset doesn’t mean this is the best plan, and I think we’re doing more harm than good by sending a horde of armed knights into the Wasteland.” He paused, thumbing the handle of the cup. “Your page is kind of a fucking fairy princess, bro. Can’t deny reality.”

Just as Karkat was about to flair up again, one of the cleaning staff came downstairs to inform the bartender that the rooms were ready. Latula, Horuss, and Jake quickly stood up, exclaiming loudly how tired they were and how early they had to wake. Dave and Karkat stood begrudgingly to join them, and they bickered instead about the sleeping arrangements for the night.

The nearby hooded patron who was listening in on the conversation did not move for some time. When the bard had finished two more songs, the figure stood quietly, paid the bartender, and slinked toward the door. It slipped out and, without a sound, vanished into the forest with the flick of a blue tail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah! Looks like gloomy-optimist wrote this chapter!


	4. The three stooges

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dear readers! This isn't my first time writing Roxy, but her characterization doesn't come naturally to me, so if you have any comments, critiques, or suggestions on Roxy, by all means, shoot me a comment. Thanks!

Nepeta scurried through the dense forest, following a path that was invisible to all but the initiated.  In the darkness, she had to rely mostly on her sense of touch and smell, but every step of the way was so familiar to her that it didn’t make much difference.  Deftly, she pressed deeper into the forest than any common citizen of the three kingdoms dared to go, and within an hour she had broken through the brush to the dimly lit clearing beneath the rogues’ tree village.

Without pausing, she grabbed onto one of the ropes that dropped from the makeshift huts and began to climb.  Colorful paper lanterns illuminated the platforms of the village, which sprawled across several acres of the forest, tucked safely into the canopy and connected by precarious bridges of thickly braided rope.  In the center was an ancient tree of gigantic proportions, and in its sturdiest branch, the rogues had set up their mess hall, the Lost Boys’ Cove, where they spent most of their leisure time playing games and keeping good company.  Nepeta could hear cheerful voices floating down from the Cove, so she beat a careful path to the mess hall.

“Rufioh!” she called, ducking beneath the cloth that served as a lazy door.  She looked around the room, but she quickly realized that he wasn’t there.  Crestfallen, she turned to leave, but a hand reached out and pulled her into a tight bear hug.

“Come here, cutie!” Roxy said, nuzzling her face into Nepeta’s hair.  She reeked of homemade wine and cake.  “Nepeta, I haven’t seen you in like three days!  What’s the deal?  I get that you like to roam the countryside all catlike and stalker-ish and that’s cool and all, but shit, girl, you can’t leave your best buds hanging like that!  I’ve been hella hankerin’ for some role-playing shenanigans with my sweet, adorable feline troll friend.”

“I can’t purrlay right now,” Nepeta responded, squirming out from Roxy’s grasp.  “I have some very impurrtant news!”

Roxy laughed.  “I love your cat puns.”

“Where’s Rufioh?  Isn’t he with you?”

“Nah, he’s out flying around like he does.  You know how he is.  He hangs out with everyone long enough to get really self-conscious about how abso-fucking-lutely AWESOME he is, and then he has to go visit that creepy Beforus page for some self-deprecating crap talk.  I don’t think I’m ever gonna get him, Nepeta...it’s a good thing you and me got our shits together in a pile so we can make up for his messy bullcrap!”

“Then he’s going to be back soon!” Nepeta said.  “His page furiend isn’t at home.  He’s with his knight, and they’re with some knights furom Alternia and Earth as well!  I just saw them in the pub.”

“Wait, what?” Roxy asked, her interest piqued.

“The best knights of the three kingdoms are in Nefurland, Roxy!”

“Now why’d you go to the pub without me, Nepeta?  You know how game I’d be for a bit of pub crawling wit you!”

“Roxy, purrlease--

“Joking, I’m just joking!  I mean, obviously you have a crazy story to tell, so why don’t you spill?”

“Let’s go to the roof so we can look for Rufioh furst.”

Nepeta slipped out of the hall, and Roxy followed, moving with a sort of sanguine fluidity that reinforced Nepeta’s assumption that she was tipsy.  She knew Roxy was perfectly capable regardless of her insobriety, but she still kept an eye on her as they scaled the massive tree.  Rufioh’s hut was the only structure built higher than the Cove.  It sat huddled in the canopy, camouflaged by a thin cover of leaves, and in front of it, he had built for himself a wide porch that sprawled out into the open air, a landing platform of sorts.  Nepeta and Roxy hauled themselves over the side of the porch and took a deep breath of the cool night air, which was always crisper and less earthy above the canopy than below it.

“So what’s all the hub-bub about anyways, Nep?” Roxy asked, making herself comfortable on the platform as Nepeta scanned the starry sky for a Rufioh-shaped shadow.  “Who cares if there’s a couple’a knights hanging out in the Neverland pub?  Knights get thirsty too, you know.  I mean, I don’t know that fo’ _sure_ , but I’d guess they’d knock back a little drank every now’n then.  If I were a badass knight, I’d be slammin’ knightly martinis in every which direction.  I bet they have a booze purse just for their pub money.”

“I don’t think warriors are supposed to get really drunk,” Nepeta said, sitting next to her.

“But were they partaking of the drink?”

“Purrobably!  It looked that way.”

“See!  Told ya.”

“But I don’t think they were slamming martinis.”

“Yeah, okay, so maybe they weren’t.  I coulda gone a little overboard with the crazy booze knight fantasy.  It’d be pretty sweet though, wouldn’t it?  Prancin’ around on a bitchin’ steed with an armored pocket fulla boozebucks waitin’ to be cashed at every possible opportunity, and all these peasants looking up at you with respect and awe twinkling in their disease-encrusted eyes, not giving any damns about how you’re almost too blitzed to stay on your horse.  That would be a hecka sweet job.  I want that job.”  She turned to Nepeta and smiled.  “Hey, I think I just came up with a new character for our role-playing games.  What should I call her?  Sir Boozy McGloryflask?”

Nepeta giggled  “Purrfect!  She’d get along beautifurly with Madam Whiskerella.”

Roxy laughed and put on a show of being even drunker than she already was, exaggerating the slurs in her speech.  “‘Ma’am Wwhiskerssss...you shore do lookin’ hot tongight,’ the sloshed Sir Boozy claims as she falls off her horse with less grace than the town drunk on a holiday.”

Nepeta straightened her back and replied, “The regal lady of the court pulls out a handkerchief for the young and charming knight.  ‘Thanks fur noticing, Hiss Knight,’ she responds.”

They gleefully fell into their role-playing personas, losing track of time as they joked with each other.  Sir Boozy had managed to convince the proper Madam Whiskerella to go on a quest with her to find the Holy Grail of Mead before Rufioh soared into view, and they were so engaged in their stupid fantasy that neither of them noticed until he had landed on the platform.

“Oh, hey, dolls...what are you doing up here?” he asked, plopping down next to them.

“Check it, Ruf, I got a new role-playing character, and she rawks,” Roxy said.  “She’s a knight, right?  And she--”

“Wait, no!” Nepeta said, gasping and yanking on her hood in dismay.  “I nearly furgot!  Roxy, you almost made me furget!”

“Forget what?”

“The knights!  In the pub!  Rufioh, I have really impurrtant infurmation!”

“What is it, doll?” Rufioh asked.

“Knights from the three kingdoms are chasing some thieves,” Nepeta said.

“It’s about damn time!” Roxy interjected.  “The Wasteland is infested with the bastards.  It’s like a giant anthill of thieves that just keep churning ‘em out to fuck shit up for the rest of us.   _Waaaaaay_ out of control, fo’ real.”

“No, but that’s not why they’re chasing them!” Nepeta said.  “They stole something furom Alternia!”

“What’s it matter to us who steals what from Alternia?” Roxy asked.  “We steal from Alternia all the time.”

“Yeah, but that’s only beclaws Equius tells Aradia to let us in,” Nepeta said.  “And I guess this treasure is purrticularly impurrtant.”

“What is it?” Rufioh asked.

“I don’t know!  That’s not what I needed to tell you.”

“Oooh, something more important than treasure?” Roxy asked, leaning forward.  “How interesting!  Do go on.”

“The thieves killed a maid and--”

Both Rufioh and Roxy immediately made noises of outrage, instantly dropping their playful attitudes.  “They killed a maid?” Roxy demanded.  “But...who did they kill?”

“I don’t know,” Nepeta said, and Roxy and Rufioh exchanged worried glances.

“I hope it wasn’t one of the nice ones...” Rufioh murmured.  “That shit’s fucking crazy...”

“It’s the worst,” Roxy groaned.  “Shit, I’m all bummed out now.  How could they do something like that?”

“But that’s not even the most important thing!” Nepeta said.  “Guys, they kidnapped Tavros!  They’re taking him as their hostage back to the Wasteland!”

“ _WHAT?!_ ” Roxy roared.  “Oh shit!  Shit shit shit, Rufioh, your little brother’s thief bait!  They’re gonna sell him into slavery and auction his organs off on the blackmarket!  What’re we gonna _do_?”

“Nepeta, are you sure?” Rufioh asked.

She nodded.  “Sir Karkat was at the pub.  He said so himself.”

“We have to go save him!” Roxy insisted, scrambling to her feet.  “Don’t worry, Ruf, there ain’t no thieves in all of Skaia that’d get away with kidnapping rogue kin.  We’ll catch ‘em!”

“Yeah...yeah!” Rufioh said, standing as well.  “We can’t just let them take Tavros!”

“Poor Tavros,” Nepeta said, sighing.

“Don’t worry, we’ll rescue him before anything bad can happen,” Roxy said.  “ _And_ we’ll avenge whatever sweet, innocent maid they slayed for some stupid treasure!”

“Let’s go,” Rufioh said, jumping from the side of the platform.  He navigated his way to the forest floor, gliding easily between the mammoth branches.  Roxy and Nepeta followed him with only a little more difficulty, dropping nimbly from branch to branch until they reached the lower village.

“Hey, Ruf!” Roxy called down to him.  “What d’ya think we need for supplies?”

“Don’t worry about it, doll...we’ll just steal what we need,” he replied.  “Hey, Nepeta...I think there’s a message down here for you...”

Nepeta peeked over the platform outside of Roxy’s hut as Roxy stuffed necessities into a rucksack.  There was an exhausted pony covered in plant debris standing awkwardly in the middle of the clearing below, and around its neck was a roll of parchment.  “Oh, it’s from Equius!” Nepeta said, swinging down on a rope.  She trotted over to it and took the note.

“What’s it say?” Rufioh asked.

“It says that Tavros has been catnapped,” Nepeta replied.

“But we already--”

Nepeta gasped.  “Oh no!  Oh no...”

“What?” Roxy asked, joining them.

“Equius sent Nepeta a note about Tavros, but I don’t know why she’s upset...”

“Wow, way to be late, Equius,” Roxy joked.

“No, guys, this is clawful,” Nepeta moaned, looking at them mournfully.  “The maid was Aradia!”

“Aw, no, are you kidding?” Roxy said with a gasp.  “Shit, no, I think I’m gonna cry!  Poor, dear Aradia...”

“Poor Equius, too,” Nepeta said.  “He was so incatuated with her...”

They all fell silent.  After a moment, Rufioh placed a hand on Nepeta’s shoulder, rubbing her back soothingly.  “Come on, dolls...we’re not making any difference standing around here...”

“You’re right,” Nepeta said after another moment of silence.  She looked at Roxy, and Roxy nodded.

“It’s time for the three stooges to move out!” she said.  Without waiting for a reply, she rushed into the forest, and Rufioh and Nepeta followed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter brought to you by mtjester


	5. A Bond and a 8reak

The knights left unexpectedly early the next morning. The night before, Dave and Karkat spent so long arguing about the sleeping arrangements that Latula and the pages got fed up and laid claim to the first room, leaving the other knights to share the remaining bed. As it turned out, Dave was a very active and rather heavy sleeper; Karkat, however, was not. The result was that he woke continuously as Dave thrashed around and mumbled incoherently in his sleep, until finally some time around dawn he was kicked completely off the bed. He proceeded to wake up the entire party out of spite.

The entourage was on their horses and trudging forward as the sky was just beginning to blue with morning light. The air was still chilly and crisp, and cold dew clung to the flora. Karkat marched grumpily at the front, muttering to himself as he planned their route with the map that Jake was no longer allowed to touch. The rest followed drowsily, rubbing sleep from their eyes.

Things continued in this manner for a few hours. Jake and Latula became rowdier as the sun got higher, and Dave joined in after a brief nap on his horse. It was not as light-hearted as the first day, though, as Karkat kept a more brisk and efficient pace, both to make up for lost time and to keep a few steps ahead of Horuss, who at some point began wistfully disclosing his life story and seemed unlikely to stop any time soon. The forest grew thicker as they passed through it, and around noon it got so dense that the sky could no longer be seen through the canopy.

“Yo Krabcakez! Are you sure we’re headed in the right direction? This forest looks mad ominous.”

After flinching at the nickname, Karkat responded, “Unlike some assholes, I actually have enough competence to read a fucking map. We were on the southwest edge of the Neverland Forest, so we have to cut through part of it.”

Latula frowned slightly. “That’s rad and all, but I thought the bartend said to avoid the forest because of the rogues.”

“You’re supposed to be one of the best knights in all of the known universe, and you want to waste time trekking halfway around the fucking world because you’re scared we’ll run into a few hypothetical untrained bandits?”

“Step off, Hot-rod, I ain’t scared of shit--”

“Maybe you should be!”

Roxy dropped down from a tree in front of Karkat. Spooked by the sudden introduction, his horse reared back, throwing the surprised troll off. Roxy laughed briefly as Karkat floundered on the ground, before moving forward apologetically with her hand outstretched.

“Whoops, sorry about that--”

Before she could advance more than a few feet, Dave and Latula had drawn their swords and moved forward to surround her. Karkat scrambled up and drew a sickle, grabbing onto the reigns of his nervous horse.

“Roxy!” another voice from above called. Nepeta jumped down to land in Karkat’s newly vacated saddle, brows furrowed in disapproval. “Don’t purrlay pranks on them! This is serious!”

“Get the fuck off my horse!” Karkat snapped. The team circled around in confusion, attempting to face both of the new foes while also not trampling Karkat. Jake and Horuss did nothing to remedy the situation, as they were both completely unsure of what to do. Despite the group’s confusion, Latula’s blade quickly found itself leveled at Nepeta’s neck, while Dave circled behind Roxy to block her escape.

“Woah!” Roxy said quickly, raising her hands in surrender. “We’re here to talk some business--like stuffy, completely not violent or back-alley shit! Hear what we got to say before flipping the fuck out.”

Nepeta followed suit, quickly raising her hands high in the air. She looked up and said, “Rufioh! Come down here so they know we’re honest!”

The team looked up to see another troll with gossamer wings crouched in the canopy above, mottled with shadow. He quietly swung down to land next to Roxy, lifting his hands in a similar show of passivity. For a few seconds, nobody moved. The knights stared hard between the rogues, indecisive about whether or not to trust them. Nepeta stared determinedly back, while Roxy glanced around impatiently and Rufioh kept his eyes moving between the drawn weapons.

Finally, Latula lowered her weapon and shrugged. “I’m down for hearing what the localz gotta preach. Dudez seem pretty up-front.” Horuss quickly followed suit, glancing furtively at Rufioh. The rest of the party wasn’t so eager, but they complied. Karkat, however, still looked pretty furious.

“What the ever-loving fuck do you assholes want? And get the hell off my fucking horse!” he snarled at Nepeta. She jumped slightly at his tone before sliding easily over to the other rogues. As she did so, her eyes flicked between him and the ground, a small blush creeping to her cheeks. The three of them shifted uncomfortably, hands still in the air.

“Can we talk to her instead?” Roxy quipped dryly, jabbing her thumb in the direction of Latula. “No offense, bro, but you seem ‘bout as reasonable as a pissed off chihuahua.”

This drew a few snickers from Dave. Karkat sputtered for a second before huffing angrily and folding his arms tightly across his chest. “I think you vastly underestimate how completely apathetic I am to your problems,” he grunted, but at that point Roxy had already turned her attention toward Latula.

“So, okay, here’s the dealio,” she began, dropping her hands to begin gesturing. “This cutie here--” she patted Nepeta’s shoulder, “--was hangin’ at the pub y’all were haunting last night and just so happened to overhear pretty much your entire private conversation--” Nepeta blushed slightly darker, ”--and lo! she discovered that injustice had been done all up in the royal crib!”

“Oh yeah!?” Karkat interjected, feigning surprise. “Which is a thing that just so happens to have nothing to do with you.”

“See, tha’s where you’re wrong,” Roxy responded, holding a finger up and swaying slightly. “It just so happens that it has a shit-ton to do with us. Like you need to call a fucking truck to hold all the shit that is our involvement with this matter. This stank-ass steaming pile of turd is almost entirely ours.”

Latula grimaced slightly. “No offense, babez, but that metaphor is gnarly as hell.”

“Yeah, okay, that one got away from me. Pchooo! Point is, we got so much fukkin’ interest in this issue, you don’t even _know_.”

“I get you, gurl! So where’s this brutal interest all coming from?”

“So you see this kid here?” Roxy indicated to Rufioh. “This is gonna rock your fuckin' socks, but this kid just so happens to be the big bro of the recently hijacked page.”

“What?” Karkat squawked, but Latula put up her hand to indicate for him to be quiet. He gaped at her for a second with a look of incredulous offense before snapping his mouth shut.

“Don't tell me that this smooth criminal here is related to that lame-ass poser noob! That’s a hard set to grind, Diamondz.”

“I know, right? But it makes a heckuva lot more sense when you hear the whole story. See, Tavs accidentally paralyzed the shit outta himself, so we had to get help from somewhere, I mean it's pretty hard to haul a kid up a rope ladder without any legs, jus' sayin'. Long story short, the ‘heartless heir’ worked his mechanical magic to get the kid back on his feet, and now Equius’s palepals with her--” Roxy gestured to Nepeta again, “--and he’s also totes in love with Aradia, who's dead, so we got bones to pick about that too. Long story shorter, we want to help y’all out to rescue his baby bro and enact some much-needed revenge.”

“Wow gurl, that’s about the craziest story I’ve ever heard!” Latula let out a short whistle. “But it sounds like we got some wicked common interestz in the works. I think we can most definitely help you rad rogues out! Up top!”

Roxy and Latula shared an excellent high-five.

“Is that cool with you guyz?” Latula said, looking back at the group.

“Okay, all this answers a lot of questions about the sudden appearance of my incompetent page that have been sitting in the back of my think pan since he showed up," Karkat said, "but something about a team of knights deciding to become bulgebuddies with a bunch of criminals sounds pretty damn ludicrous.”

“Well, if we consider the flaws in our plans...” Horuss murmured thoughtfully, then, noticing that everyone’s attention had switched to him, quickly shut up.

“What’s up, Haybale?” Latula urged. “Got a thought?”

Horuss looked hesitantly between Karkat and Dave, and when they didn’t move to speak, he cleared his throat and continued, “Sir Dave mentioned just last neight that we have some inexcusable holes in our strategy. A group such as ourselves trotting into the Wastelands would be exceptionally obvious. Rogues, however, would be much less out of place, correct?”

Rufioh nodded. “Yeah...we’ve gone to the Wasteland before to trade some goods that weren’t any use around here...so it wouldn’t be so strange...”

Horuss nodded confidently. “Yes, I believe it would be that would be a more proper plan to pursue.”

“Yeah...kid has a point,” Dave said.

“Excellent!” Roxy said. “Glad to join the team and look forward to working with you! Now, who can I hitch a ride with...?” She looked pointedly at Dave, who raised an eyebrow. He then shook his head and jabbed his thumb back at Jake.

“Hell no. He has way more horse space.”

“Woah woah woah!” Karkat interjected, waving his hands in frustration. “So that’s it? Just like that, we’re going to let them leech off of us like a bunch of fucking parasites?”

“Yeah, basically,” Dave responded, and the others murmured in agreement. “Get on your horse, dude, we’re wasting time.”

 

\-----

The Wastelands were dry and hot on the best of days, but the night brought cool air through the city. The windows of the organic buildings contained no glass, allowing the breeze to drift into the quarters of all who resided there. In an expensive hotel room, colorful gas lanterns cast a kaleidoscope of light over items haphazardly strewn about, glinting mischievously off of a multitude of gold pieces. The room existed in that state of careless disarray that accompanies celebration, and three trolls lounged on heavily embroidered pillows. Only two of them were there by choice.

Meenah sighed, expelling a plume of smoke from her lungs. She idly twirled the long mouthpiece of an ornate hookah between her fingers, smiling smugly. In front of her, a low table was covered in stacks of coins, meticulously counted out and arranged artfully around the hookah and flavored tobacco. On the other side, Vriska gazed at the dancing candlelight, lost in thought.

Meenah glanced over at her. “So,” she drawled before taking another long drag from her hose. Vriska slid her eyes over to Meenah, slowly growing impatient as the seadweller held her breath in her lungs.

“What?”

Meenah waited another beat before allowing the smoke to curl from her mouth. “Water you planning on doin’ with him?” She jerked her head in the direction of the third troll.

Tavros sat hunched against the wall, his hands bound loosely in front of him. Though he was initially terrified when they abducted him, his fear had gradually melted into uncertain defiance as the girls spent the last two days partying over their victory. When Vriska looked over at him, he did his best to glare cheekily back.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. We could sell him into slavery or auction his organs off on the black market. But really, who would want such a wimpy kid?”

Tavros faltered slightly at the suggestions, but he muttered quietly, “Don’t call me a kid like you’re so much older than me, because you’re not...”

Vriska snorted. “No one can hear you when you mumble! And you’re like, what, five and a half sweeps?”

“Uh...no, I’m six...”

“Then that makes me a full sweep older than you! And considering what an intense and busy life I lead, my experience level must be way over yours. Also, I thought we told you not to speak unless you’re spoken to.”

Tavros frowned but remained quiet. Vriska kept her eye on him as she took a puff from the pipe, and as she exhaled, she murmured, “We could just keep him around as a slave. We could afford to have one now.”

“Him?” Meenah scoffed. “Bouy’s pretty much worthless.” She stretched out, then smirked a little. “But now that we’re richer than kings, we should have some shrimps to boss around.”

“Hm,” Vriska answered. She went back to staring into the candlelight, face impassively bored.

“We don’t have to do shit anemonemore,” Meenah said, sighing softly. “Don’t gotta flip around like a couple of glubbin’ dorks, yankin’ anyfin we find. We’re free to be the swank ass bitches we were born to be.”

“And you’re just fine with that?” Vriska asked.

“Uh. Yeah?”

“That’s so booooooooring! I can’t believe we’ve already beat the game, and we’re not even eight sweeps!”

“Water you carpin’ aboat? That just means we’re boss.”

“No, it means we have nothing to look forward to! It means there’s no more challenges! After you steal a prize treasure from a war king, that’s it, you’ve won. There’s nothing more impressive to do. _You_ might be fine with that, but I don’t want the rest of my life to be boring and lame.”

“Oh my cod, you’re always so fuckin’ uptight. Clam down for once.”

“ _I’m_ too uptight? _You’re_ too dormant!” Vriska was no longer sitting passively. She leaned in towards her partner, hands on the table and fangs bared in frustration. “You’re lazy and arrogant and quite frankly kind of dumb! And I have to sit here and deal with you, even though we both know you have way more potential than that. It’s very inconsiderate!”

“Oh hell no, we’re not doing this shit now--”

“You said that we would talk about it after this heist!”

“Give it fuckin’ breather, Serket! We got the rest of our codforsaken lives to talk aboat this shit. You don’t gotta drag this out now--”

“I don’t think this matespritship is working out.” Vriska leveled her gaze at Meenah, arms crossed unapologetically. A tense silence settled over the room.

Meenah opened and closed her mouth several times before finally responding, “Look, we’ll talk. We’ll talk about this in the morning, aight? Don’t say shit like that when you’re pissed.”

After a few seconds, Vriska nodded.

“Alright. We’ll talk about it in the morning.”

 

Morning came and found most of the clutter in the room gone. Both Vriska and Tavros were nowhere to be found, and all of the most valuable items had been taken with them. The only assurance left to Meenah was a note:

Hey Meenah, I know this must look pretty 8ad! Let me explain.  
It’s pretty o8vious this m8spritship is not working out. 8ut that’s not the end of the world! As a team, we can’t 8e beat. The two of us are the most 8adass thieves the world has ever seen! The only pro8lem is, that’s 8oring. Nothing’s even a challenge for us anymore.  
8ut if we were rivals...that could 8e a little more interesting!  
I have taken most of our loot, the slave 8oy, and a ship. 8y the time you read this, I will 8e long gone! I guess you’ll have no choice 8ut to come find me. :::;)  
So don’t consider this a 8reakup message. Consider it a proposal for something a little...

8lacker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooOOOOH SNAP
> 
> (The characterization is getting tricky! If you have any comments, suggestions, or critique, we'd certainly appreciate the help!)
> 
> Written by gloomyOptimist


	6. Plan Giant Clusterfuck

“This is the suite?”

“According to the rogues, this is correct.”

“So...what in the dickens do we do now?”

Jake and Horuss stood in one of the hallways of the best hotel in the Wasteland, whispering quietly to each other and glancing furtively around. In front of them was the doorway to the most expensive suite money could buy. Supposedly, a pair of thieves were lounging within.

A half hour earlier, the pair of pages had knocked out a few bellhops in order to obtain their uniforms. It had seemed like a good plan at first, until they realized after bludgeoning an employee that the uniform didn’t fit either of them. To make matters worse, neither of them were very good at measuring themselves up against others, especially whilst also sneaking up behind them holding polished candlesticks like war maces. The end result was a utility closet full of five stripped and KO’ed bellhops and two rather guilty and frustrated teenage boys that still didn’t fit properly in their tailored slacks.

Now that they had found the room, they weren’t quite sure what they were supposed to do. It turned out that neither of them were very good at drawing up plans, either. Initially, the knights were supposed to accompany them into the Wasteland and give them directions. As it were, knights get into the habit of asserting themselves and heading decisively into action, so that plan was quickly botched when Karkat got into a brawl with a drunken pickpocket. Dave and Latula attempted to peacefully settle the argument, which transformed the brawl into a miniature warzone. Thus, within an hour of entering the city, all three of the knights were kicked out on charges of assault, disrupting the peace, damaging public property, and accidentally setting fire to an old woman’s shawl.

And so the mission was left to the rogues and the pages. Throughout the fighting, the pages stood indecisively by, and when the knights got hauled off, they found themselves utterly at a loss. Fortunately, Nepeta had been trailing them. She gave them a quick pep talk, explaining that the rogues were doing some heavy reconnaissance around the city, that it was probably for the best because knights tended to be way too heavy-handed for this type of work anyway, and that this would be a great oppurrtunity fur the pages to unsheath their claws!

They set out to create a new plan, which Roxy dubbed, “Plan Giant Clusterfuck.”  Three hours after entering the city, the pages found themselves at the thieves’ door, fidgeting nervously and pulling at their ill-fitting uniforms, unarmed and unprepared. Horuss was sweating through his shirt.

“I...I am not sure what to do. Goodness, I need a towel…”

“Pull yourself together, chap! I’m sure we can come up with something.” Jake clapped a hand on Horuss’s shoulder in a fraternal gesture of solidarity but quickly removed it and wiped the sweat off on his pants.

“Yes, of course...if an uncouth human can remain so optimistic, I would be ashamed not to keep pace! I’ve just never been saddled with such a bale of dilemmas.”

“Uh...well, if we enter just so, brandishing our weapons and bellowing wildly in a frightful display of royal authority, I’m sure we could catch them completely off their guard!”

“That’s an absolutely pawful idea!”

Both pages jumped and turned abruptly around to find Nepeta crouching a few feet away. She glanced around before gesturing to the boys in a silent summon. After a small hesitation, Jake slinked over, and Horuss followed quietly.

“Rufioh is keeping watch on the roof of the hotel,” Nepeta whispered. Jake and Horuss leaned in to hear. “Roxy is...well, no one efur knows where Roxy is most of the time, but she’s doing something, I’m sure! The point is, we have this purrlace on lock-down, so all we have to do is flush out those thieves.”

The pages nodded solemnly, before Jake murmured, “Alright, so...engage them head-on?”

“No! We’ve got to be smarter than that! Here’s what we’re going to do...you’re already in disguise, so knock on the door and tell them that they have a purrkage downstairs--”

“Excuse my interruption, but won’t they expect the packages to be brought to their door?” Horuss interrupted. “With such wealth and power, I canter-magine they would trot all the way downstairs to pick anything up.”

“Okay, uh, we’ll say it’s very valuable! For their paws only.”

“And then we’ll ambush them!”

“No! Well, yes, sort of--”

“If they just galloped straight into the castle and blew part of it up, it may behoove us to be more cautious than that, Jake. They seem quite rascally, and I think we should trot lightly.”

“Yes, exactly!”

“But we can’t let that dastardly duo get the upper hand! If we split them up--”

“THE PLAN IS--” Nepeta clapped her hand over Jake’s mouth, “--the plan is that you do what I tell you to do! So, one of you--Horuss--will knock on the door, and tell whoever answers that there is a purrkage downstairs for them. Horuss will then keep watch over the door while Jake and I stalk our prey and wait for the best moment to pounce. Once we have one of them taken care of, we’ll regroup. Understand?” The pages nodded. “Good! Let’s move.”

Nepeta pushed Horuss towards the door and gestured for Jake to hide. Horuss got up cautiously, wiping his brow with his shirt sleeve. With a final glance in the direction of the other two, he slowly moved toward the door--

_“THAT GLUBBIN BITCH!!!!!!!!”_

The door burst open and a troll sprinted past the group, pushing Horuss to the ground. After a few beats of confusion, loud commotion, and a spirited, “Lands alive!” all three were running in pursuit, weaving through the halls and jumping over the chaos left after the furious thief.

She didn’t stop at the lobby. Without so much as a pause, she burst through the front doors, cutting destructively through a group of market stalls in the direction of the sea. Nepeta weaved with practiced grace around the carnage, while Jake and Horuss remained a few steps behind.

“What--what is she running from?” Jake puffed as he dodged the obstacles of the busy street.

“I don’t think it’s us!” Horuss returned before stumbling on an errant jar. He reeled forward, too fast to right himself, before a pair of hands suddenly grabbed him and pulled him upright. With a gust of wind, a winged troll propelled himself forward, shouting, “Keep up!”

“Rufioh!” Nepeta shouted. “Follow close!”

“Got it!” Rufioh pulled up, keeping the sprinting troll in sight. Nepeta abruptly changed directions, vanishing into an alley.

As Rufioh followed, he pulled a bundle from a sack on his belt. The thief was nearing the docks, and the buildings were getting shorter and more spaced out. She still hadn’t noticed the group chasing her--until she was sidelined by an inebriated human in a mask. Roxy tackled the troll from behind a set of crates, catching the thief completely off-guard.

_“What the fuck--!!”_

Before she was able to catch her bearings, she was surrounded. Nepeta skidded to a halt in front of her, blocking her path as she unsheathed her claws, and the pages stumbled to a stop behind her. Roxy pulled herself upright, settling into a fighting stance. The thief was surrounded on three sides, with the wide expanse of the sea closing in the fourth.

“Yo, I don’t have time for this shit--”

Her words dissolved into incoherent profanity as Rufioh dropped a net from above.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if there's any typos or anything--I wrote this one rather fast!
> 
> Chapter by gloomyOptimist


	7. "Connects"

“Yo, let me get this shit straight...”

Outside of the walls of the Wasteland, the party of knights and rogues huddled around an irritated troll in a net. They had been questioning the thief for the past hour, and to their growing frustration and dismay, they realized that they weren’t going to make much progress. Meenah was defiant at first, but she wasn’t very good at keeping secrets. She began accidentally dropping bits of information, and after a while, she stopped trying altogether. She wasn’t even answering questions anymore, but instead she ranted about Vriska and her “dumb plans” and “coddamn treasure-hoarding” and “back-stabbing, cocky, mutinous ways.”

“You for realz don’t know where she’s at?” Latula asked, crouching in front of the the sea-troll.

“No! Coddamn, weren’t you payin’ attention? Bitch yanked all my swank ass shit and clamscrayed with the slave boy while I was sleepin’.”

A silence fell over the group as the implication of this information seeped in. The pages glanced uneasily at their knights. Jake cleared his throat.

“So...what do we do now?”

Karkat threw his hands in the air with an explosive, “Same fucking thing we always do!” before storming off towards the horses, ranting about the stupidity of the mission and incompetence of everyone on it. Latula groaned and rubbed the back of her neck.

“It would be hella uncool to leave this biz unsorted, so we’d better get our rad selves ready for a high-speed thief chase.”

Meenah barked a laugh. “Good fuckin’ luck! Any of you shrimps ever even seen a boat before?”

“Don’t sweat it, Fishfilet! How hard can sailing a ship be?”

“Besides,” Dave added, looking at Meenah, “we don’t need to know. You do.”

“OH, I’m picking up what you’re throwing down, Lil’ D!” Latula said, clapping him on the back. "We'll make the fish troll float the boat. Hell yeah!"

“I think you mean Big D.”

“Your bro’s Big D.”

“Oh hell no.”

“Yo shrimp,” Meenah cut in, “you think just cuz I’m a seadweller I know shit aboat boats? That’s racist.”

“No, I--”

“Besides, Serket comes from a family of pirates. You ain’t gonna reel her in.”

“I’ll find her...” The attention of the group shifted to Rufioh. His expression was set, resolute and serious. “She has my brother.”

“That’s cool and all, but you ain’t gonna find her.”

Rufioh smiled. Behind him, his wings stretched and fluttered. “She may have the sea, but I have the air. I’ll find her, doll.”

“Yeah!” Roxy said. “Yeah! We’ll totes find that thief! Me and Nep’ll help!”

“We will?” Nepeta said with surprise. “Do you know how to sail?”

“Like the rad skater troll said, how hard can it be?”

“Good fuckin’ luck,” Meenah said with a snort.

Dave crossed his arms across his chest. “You're still not off the hook, fish troll.”

“Pretty sure I am. You all dumb as shit. I have better things to do than flounder on the ocean with a bunch of landlovin’ losers.”

“Like what?”

“Like find my matesprit in a way that’s not fucking stupid.” She paused, scrunching up her nose. “Or kismesis, I guess.”

“Do you have an idea about how you’re going to do that? Because in case you forgot, you’re kind of flopping around in a net like a fish out of water and have literally no say in any of this.”

“Yo, I ain’t floppin’, cape-boy.”

“But have you considered it? You ain't going anywhere any time soon, and this situation can't get much dumber.”

Meenah glared up at Dave, eyes narrowed and lips pursed. After a few seconds, she said, “...For the right price, I can find her location and fish her out.”

The knights exchanged glances. “How?”

With a nonchalant shrug and a flippant wave of the hand, Meenah replied, “I got connects.”

“What ‘connects?’”

“Look, if you think I’m aboat to lay all my cards on the table like a chump, then you stupider than you look. Either you can take me where I tell you to, or you can float around the fuckin’ ocean for literal weeks.”

“Why don’t we split up?” Nepeta said, glancing from Dave to Karkat. “We can purrsue them by boat with Rufioh in the sky, and you can find the thief’s ‘connects!’ Two plans are better than one, right?”

“You get custody of your criminal, and we get our dastardly roguish adventures,” Roxy said. “Seems like a win-win.”

Dave glanced at Latula, then back at Karkat, who had untied the horses and was trudging back towards the group with the animals in tow. “Did you catch all that, Karkat?”

“This is all fucking stupid and I don’t give a shit what we do.”

“Sir Dave,” Jake whispered loudly, tugging on Dave’s cap and looking at Meenah. “How do we know we can trust her?”

“I don’t know.” Dave met Meenah’s eyes. “Can we?”

“Bitch yanked my shit,” Meenah replied, brows furrowed. “Besides...she shot me an offer I can’t refuse.”

 

\-----

Sollux was not one to keep company, and he usually turned visitors away in order to maintain his concentration. When he opened the door and saw that his visitor was the stoic heir, however, he was thrown off enough by the abnormality of the intrusion to allow Equius entrance. As Equius awkwardly entered the candle-lit chamber, Sollux returned to a desk covered in parchment, vials, and various fuming concoctions.

He rustled through a few things before holding up a magnifying glass to examine a musty text. Equius shifted as he glanced about the room with uncertainty.

“What do you want?” Sollux said through a heavy lisp. He pointed in the direction of a spare chair. Equius almost missed it entirely due to its cluttered state; it was almost invisible beneath a pile of scrolls and strange astronomical equipment. “You can move that shit. It’s been there for months anyway.”

“Ah. Yes,” Equius said as he carefully nudged the devices out of the way. “My duties have been suspended with the peace negotiations, and I have been finding it...difficult to maintain my composure.”

“Hm. So what, you want some remedy for your nerves?” Sollux said with a scoff as he began jotting down notes. “Well, sorry to always be the castle grumpass, but Prince Douchefin has me on the shittiest schedule he can manage, so I won’t have time--”

“That is not why I have come,” Equius said.

“Oh? Stop by for tea?”

Equius looked down at his hands. Sollux was annoyed, and to be honest, Equius wasn’t sure why he was there either.

“You were also close to Aradia.”

Sollux paused in his scribbling. “Yes.” He resumed, but his expression softened. “We were moirails.”

Equius rubbed one thumb over the other, eyes still lowered. “I had...red affections for her, and she returned my feelings,” he said. “I strongly considered announcing an official matespritship, despite our...obvious gap in the hemospectrum, as well as class and position.”

Sollux grunted in affirmation, but did not look up. Equius paused, and the sound of the quill on parchment continued its scratching.

“It is above my place to question authority,” Equius said, picking his words carefully. He glanced up from his hands, training his eyes on Sollux. “But I have a strong suspicion that Prince Eridan has greater plans than just the return of a ring and vengeance for a maid.”

Sollux snorted before replying, “No fucking shit.” He pushed away from his desk to face Equius, bent forward attentively. “That’s what I like about you, EQ. You don’t get in people’s business, but you sure as fuck aren’t stupid.”

“So I am correct.”

Sollux shrugged. “I don’t know details, but I would stab myself in the eyes and join the blind prophets before believing there isn’t something more to it. As incompetent as those royal fuckups seem, they’re always calculating and scheming. They don’t do anything if it doesn’t potentially screw over one of the other kingdoms.”

“In what ways do you suspect this mission will serve that purpose?”

“It’s hard to say…” Sollux intertwined his fingers and bent forward to rest his chin on them. “That ring has powerful properties. It’s no wonder that Prince Fishfuck wants it back. As for Beforus and Earth? Who fucking knows.”

“I am not concerned with the Earthen prince,” Equius said. “He is cunning, but he has the honor befitting royalty, steadfast as a stallion.” He hesitated briefly. “Prince Kurloz does not bestow the same confidence.”

“Exactly. The Beforus court seems like it’s made up by a bunch of idiots, but that’s a ruse. They’re dangerous. The mage specializes in magics of the soul, and the seer in knowledge of blood connections. They could manipulate almost anyone, and I’d be surprised if they haven’t already.”

Equius hesitated once again, considering the importance of his next question. “Do you think...that perhaps they have uncovered a relation to Aradia which might prove...unfavorable if they were not to get involved?”

Sollux matched his gaze, and for a second they sat in tense silence.

“Aradia told you about Damara?”

Equius nodded. Sollux maintained eye contact for a few seconds longer before allowing his gaze to slide over to one of the candles. “Yeah, I thought about that. But I don’t think that fucking windbag has figured out her connection to the witches yet...good thing. We’d be fucked if one of the other kingdoms gained their favor before we did.”

“You believe that Kankri is unaware? You’re sure?”

Sollux sighed in frustration. “I don’t know what any of those assholes know. I’m sure if Kankri did know, he wouldn’t be able to shut the fuck up about it. But he’s not the one I’d be worried about.”

“Then who? Meulin? She would have the power to manipulate--”

“No. Not her. She could, and she would if someone made her, but she’s not into that type of thing normally.” Sollux glanced around before leaning forward once more. “The sylph.”

“Aranea? But she is just an advisor.”

“She’s cunning,” Sollux said. “And she tries to hide it, but I’m sure that the rumors of her psychic powers are true. There’s no other reason for her to be in the court.”

Equius considered this, tapping his chin in thought. “So what of this mission? It seems there is more at stake than I had imagined...and more yet to be revealed.”

Sollux nodded in agreement. “Hopefully the knights won’t fuck it up. Knowing the knights, though, they’ll probably fuck it up. The most we can hope for is that it’ll just be a distraction for the royal assholes.” He paused, lost in thought, before scrunching up his nose and massaging a temple. “But the voices have been growing louder, so it’ll be a shitstorm.”

Equius sighed. “Perhaps it will give the courts a common enemy.” He stood up to take his leave, carefully avoiding the pile of equipment piled around the chair. At the door, he looked back to the mage. “And if cannot do that, then perhaps it will reveal the enemy within.”

The door shut softly behind him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We debated about whether to put Sollux's lisp into the text, but then decided against it. As always, if anything's amiss, let us know!
> 
> Chapter by gloomyOptimist


	8. Pirate hunting

Rufioh glided above the glistening water of the sea, staying low to avoid easy detection.  Land was a hazy sliver of brown on the horizon to his left, and to his right, the ocean seemed to go on forever.  Without stopping or slowing, he pulled a small spy glass from his pocket and glanced around.  Nothing was visible on the waves to the east, but to the west, a white object rested in what seemed to be a secluded cove, dwarfed by tall, eroding rock formations.  He tucked the spy glass away and veered to the left.

Conscious of his vulnerability, he flew towards land far from the cove and curved his path to hug the rocky cliff walls for a more stealthy approach.  The ship was a three mast frigate, and its sails were visible from behind the rock arches that enclosed the cove.  Rufioh landed behind the leg of the arch and peeked around.  The ship was quiet.  A pirate flag, displaying troll affiliation, flew above the crow's nest.  A number of rowboats had been pulled onto the pebbled shore.  Rufioh listened carefully, but there was no sign of pirates.

With a deep breath, Rufioh gathered his wits and snuck from behind the rock arch.  He spread his wings and skimmed the top of the water, staying as low as possible, and he hovered beneath the bow, listening.  No noise floated down from the deck.  Carefully, he ascended, trying to keep the movement of his wings as silent as possible.  He peeked over the deck, and no one was there.  After a final glance around, he propelled himself over the railing and onto the deck of the ship.

"Tavros...?" he whispered, tiptoeing across the deck.  A gentle breeze disturbed the fabric of the sails, but nobody answered.  Inhaling, he called again, more loudly, "Tavros?"

"Rufioh?" somebody called back.  Rufioh's heart skipped a beat, and he looked in the direction of the sound.  He heard a scraping noise from the lower levels of the ship coming up from one of the large, gridded openings on the deck, and second later, a hand emerged, waving him over.

"Tavros!" he said, kneeling by the opening.  He reached down and grasped Tavros's hand.  "Hang on, lil' man.  We'll get you out...probably...just let me figure out how to open this gate..."

"You don't have to open it, because I'm not stuck down here, actually," Tavros said.  "I just have to go out the doorway, which is over there, and then meet you on the upper deck.  But we have to be quiet, because everyone is sleeping, since we were sailing all night, and all day too, I think, but I slept then while everyone else was working, because I don't know how to do anything right on a ship, apparently."

"Bangarang," Rufioh whispered in excitement.  "I thought this shit was going to be tougher than this...it's a good thing it's not!"

"Um, I wouldn't get too comfortable yet, if I were you," Tavros said, glancing around him.  Looking back at Rufioh, he said with a worried look on his face, "I know a group went to land, probably to get supplies or raid a village or do other similarly pirate-like things that I wasn't allowed to do as well, and I think there may be someone on watch, but I don't know where."

"Well...there's nobody up here, so I don't think they're watching very well..." Rufioh said, glancing around as well.  The deck was still empty. 

"No, I don't think so either.  When Vriska isn't yelling orders, nobody cares very much what's happening.  They just all want to get paid, I think, which makes sense why they're working for her, since she has a lot of money.  But, uh, I don't think we should think of that as an invitation to being careless, or otherwise sloppy in our actions, because she can control minds, even from far away.  I don't know if she's still on the ship, or if she is, if she's sleeping..."

"Then we'd better hurry up, my man," Rufioh said, releasing Tavros's hand.  "Get up on this deck, and...try to be quiet, okay?"

"I don't think so."  

Rufioh jumped and moved to turn around, but he froze in place as a flash of steel drew his attention to a blade leveled at his throat.  He heard Tavros gasp.  Standing above him was a troll in a long, blue coat, showing off her fangs with a cocky smirk.

"Tavros, who is this?" Vriska asked, keeping the tip of her sword at Rufioh's neck as she circled around him.  "Bones and hair die?  What a tool!  Don't tell me you know this loser."

"Uh, actually, I do.  He's--"

"Are you serious?  This is the crowd you keep?  No wonder you're the way you are."

"Yo, that's not cool," Rufioh said, slowly standing.  "Tavros is my kin, and I'm here to save him..."

Vriska smirk widened.  "Ooooooooh, I see the resemblance now!" she said, shooting a glance at Tavros.  "One of you can't say a full sentence without faltering, and the other's sentences trail away like you're scared you're saying something wrong!  Spinelessness must run in the family!"

"Man, so chilly...why do we find all the crazy bitches..."

"What'd you say, punk?" Vriska asked, jabbing the sword into his chest.  He took a step back and put his hands up.  Vriska eyed him and scowled.  "Okay, let's cut the crap.  How'd you get onto my ship, and where are your pals?  I know you didn't come alone.  Are you with the Alternians, or the Beforans?"

"Neither...I don't have affiliations like that shit..."

"Don't mess with me.  Answer the questions.  I don't have time for..." she waved at his outfit, "whatever the hell you're trying to pass yourself off as."

Rufioh glanced between her eyes and her sword before answering, "I'm a leader of the Lost Boys..."

Vriska's face dropped and she groaned.  "Damn it, if I had known  _your kind_ was going to get involved, I would have just killed him outside of the castle.  That's just what I need, a bunch of rogues on my ass.  Fuck."  She prodded him in the chest with her sword again, and he stepped back to avoid a cut.  "So where are the rest of you?  Are you hiding?  Tavros, wake everyone up.  I want the whole ship armed and active."

Tavros immediately scurried away to do her bidding, and Rufioh looked down in alarm.  "Hey, bro, don't do that!"

"It's no use reasoning with him," Vriska said, and her scowl became a smirk again.  "I have him wrapped around my fingers.  He can't help but do what I tell him to.  Do you know why?"

"No...but I don't like the sound of it..."

"You shouldn't!  Do you have any idea who you're dealing with?"

Rufioh looked her over with growing disquiet.  "A normal pirate, I hope...that would be pretty dope..."

"Wrong!  I'm not just any pirate."  Her smirk became a malicious grin.  "You're talking to Vriska Serket, soon to be the best known pirate in all of Skaia!  You know why I'm going to be the best pirate?"

"No..."

"Well, you know what they say about bluebloods with psychic powers, don't you?"

"Shit..." Rufioh said as the sound of angry trolls grew louder from the lower levels of the ship.  From the noises rising through the wood, it was evident that there were plenty of trolls still aboard and that they were all arming themselves.

"That's a good answer!" Vriska said, laughing.  "I hope you and your 'lost boys' are prepared to fight, because none of you are getting off this ship unscathed!"

She lunged forward with her sword, and Rufioh moved the side, drawing a dagger and parrying the jab in one smooth motion.  He jumped into the air and unfurled his wings.  Vriska's mouth fell open.

"A mutant?" she said.  "Is _that_ how you got on my ship?"

"You can look for the others, but you won't find them..." Rufioh said as a group of trolls burst out of the door to the lower levels.  They blinked up at him in shock.  Rufioh clutched his dagger.  "You'd better believe I'll be back, though...and I'll have friends..."

"You'd better hope your friends have strong minds, or else they're going to be  _my_ friends, just like your little kin!" Vriska said with a laugh.

"I'll be back, Tavros!"

"Better get going before you get shot out of the air!"  As Vriska finished the statement, a number of arrows flew past him.  With a final glance through the grate, he flew himself higher and sped away from the boat, back to where he knew his own crew was waiting for him.

He kept his eyes on the horizon, scanning the water for the small boat he and the other rogues had rented to track down Vriska.  To his dismay, a much larger ship, another frigate, appeared in the distance instead, and he descended again to the surface of the water where he could fly with stealth.  He decreased his speed and pulled out his spy glass, but there were no signs of the boat he left Roxy and Nepeta on.  "Shit..." he said, and his stomach dropped.

As he approached, however, he heard a familiar voice calling to him.  "Rufioh!" Roxy shouted.  He looked across the water through his spy glass, bewildered.  Finally, he zeroed in on Roxy's location.  Both she and Nepeta hung over the side of the frigate, waving at him enthusiastically.  They seemed unharmed, even excited.  Confused, Rufioh put the spy glass away and rose away from the water's surface, picking up speed.  He reached the ship within minutes.

"How'd it go?" Roxy asked as he hovered by the side of the ship, examining it with confusion.  "Did you find him?  Hey, Ruf, I'm talking to you!"

"What's all this...?" he asked.

"We were found!" Nepeta explained.  "Some purrson Roxy knew once saw us and decided to help us!"

"Who?"

"That'd be me, champ."  A well-groomed troll with slick hair and an unlit cigarette hanging out of his mouth walked up to them, saluting Rufioh in a dramatic fashion that was mostly unnecessary.

"Wait, but...you're from the Beforan court, right?"

"Who's asking?"  Cronus wagged his eyebrows at him, and Rufioh grimaced.  Roxy laughed.

"Back off our man," she said to Cronus, and she turned to Rufioh.  "Poor Rufioh, everyone wants to hit on you all the time.  Teach me your charming, bishie ways, and I can help take some of that pressure off of you."  She winked at him.

"Don't mind her, Rufioh, she's...you know," Nepeta said, miming the motion of throwing back a bottle of alcohol.

"Really?" Rufioh said with a note of disappointment.

"Hey, no judging," Roxy said, trying to stand up straighter.  "I know we're in the middle of stuff, and I'm taking it easy.  I'm fiiiiine."

"She's been worse," Cronus said.  "I've seen it."

"We know she has," Nepeta said with a sigh.  "Rufioh, what did you see?"

"It's no use, doll..." Rufioh said, floating over the rail of the ship and sitting down on it.  He sighed heavily.  "She's got mind powers...she's in his head, and I couldn't get him away...we're going to need back-up."

"Well, lucky you, we just so happen to be back-up," Cronus said, his accent making him sound much more pretentious than he meant to sound.  Rufioh eyed him and glanced at Nepeta.

"He's not the one in charge!" she clarified quickly.

"Yeah, we'd be so screwed," Roxy said with a laugh.  "No offense, Cro, but fo' real, if you were in charge of this boat and all the stuff that we're about to go do, we'd've already suck it.  Sunk it."

"Don't you trust me?" Cronus asked, mostly to Roxy, and she laughed again.

"Then who is in charge...?" Rufioh asked before Roxy could retort.

"That would be me."  Rufioh turned around.  Aranea came out of the cabin, carrying a map and a book.

"Whoa...wait a minute..." Rufioh said, putting his hands up.  He looked at Nepeta, and she smiled back at him, confused about his reaction.  "Is this...?"

"I can understand your concern," Aranea said.  "I am Aranea, from the Beforus court.  I am the Beforus sylph."

"Btw," Roxy interrupted, "what even is a slyph?"

Aranea sighed.  "Don't worry about it," she said before returning her attention to Rufioh.  "You've snuck around the Alternian court before, I've heard.  Your brother and his maid friend let you in.  You've seen me, haven't you?"

Rufioh paused and thought.  "Oh yeah..." he said, recalling her face.  He smiled sheepishly.  "Sorry, doll...you sort of look like this crazy broad I just met..."

"Vriska?"

"Hey, yeah...do you know her?"

"Personally?  No, I don't.  But we're about to go meet her."

"We are?"  Rufioh glanced at Nepeta.

"We have to confront her eventually," Aranea said before Nepeta could explain.  "We do need to get your brother back, after all, and we can't have a pirate with such a powerful psychic ability sailing the seas.  It wouldn't hurt to retrieve that ring for the Alternians, either.  Perhaps our peace talks will actually prove fruitful for once if we present such a symbol of our goodwill."

"Oh...so your prince sent you to take care of this crazy shit..."

"Not exactly."  Aranea smiled.  "We came of our own accord.  We have our reasons."

"Reasons which you still haven't told me about," Cronus said, grumbling.  "Why did I even agree to do this?"

"What are you bitchin' about?" Roxy said.  "Look, you got to see me!  Isn't that worth all the stupid political or kind-of-political-but-not-really quests you could get dragged on without any idea what's happening?  What am I sayin', I bet you forgot about me."

"How could anyone forget you?" Cronus said.  "Of course I remember. I even made our adventure into an epic poem.  The court won't let me perform it (or anything else I wrote), but maybe I could play it for you.  It's not like there's anything else to do."

"Oh yeah, you're a bard!"

"That's right. I'm the best there is."

"He says as if there's any contest," Aranea said as he and Roxy wandered off.  She returned her attention to Rufioh and Nepeta.  "If you'll take our help, we want to right the wrongs performed by Vriska.  Lead me to her, and I will speak with her.  If she proves undiplomatic, then we will take her by force."

"Bangarang!" Rufioh said, grinning.  "That plan sounds dope.  Thanks, doll."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by mtjester

**Author's Note:**

> For more stuff (like art or things), check out ==> http://gloomy-optimist.tumblr.com/tagged/classstuck OR http://mtjester.tumblr.com/tagged/classstuck


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